Error trying to manage previously working User Profile Service Application

My UPA was working until magically one day it started throwing this error when I tried to manage the application, in which case it would throw the below error anytime I clicked on it to change any settings. I've read thread after thread and blog after blog about this error, I've done IISRESETs many times, checked the FIM services, checked the UPA services, deleted and recreated the application several times, rebooted the servers, etc., but the problem persists. I see for a lot of people IISRESET or applying a CU worked, but those are much older CU's from older threads, and I have a CU from Feb 2014 while the threads say applying a CU from 2010/11/12 worked. NOTHING I've tried has worked and I am flat out of ideas here.

My configuration database version is: 14.0.7116.5000

Error:

User Profiles                  et8j High     UserProfileServiceImportStatisticsWebPart:LoadControl failed, Exception: System.MissingMethodException: Method not found: 'Boolean Microsoft.Office.Server.UserProfiles.UserProfileImportJob.get_IsSynchronizationRunning()'.     at Microsoft.SharePoint.Portal.WebControls.UserProfileServiceImportStatisticsWebPart._LoadStatusAndSettings()     at Microsoft.SharePoint.Portal.WebControls.UserProfileServiceStatisticsWebPartBase.LoadControl(Object sender, EventArgs e) d3b70b62-0539-44df-90ee-d046f3c61cbe

11/09/2011 01:40:28.64  w3wp.exe (0x088C)                        0x1E44 SharePoint Foundation          Runtime                        tkau Unexpected System.MissingMethodException: Method not found: 'System.String Microsoft.Office.Server.UserProfiles.SynchronizationRunStatus.get_ConnectionName()'.    at Microsoft.SharePoint.Portal.WebControls.UserProfileServiceImportStatisticsWebPart.RenderSectionContents(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at Microsoft.SharePoint.Portal.WebControls.UserProfileServiceImportStatisticsWebPart.RenderWebPart(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at Microsoft.SharePoint.WebPartPages.WebPart.Render(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.Control.RenderChildrenInternal(HtmlTextWriter writer, ICollection children)     at System.Web.UI.Control.RenderChildrenInternal(HtmlTextWriter writer, ICollection children)     at System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.HtmlForm.RenderChildren(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.Html... d3b70b62-0539-44df-90ee-d046f3c61cbe

11/09/2011 01:40:28.64* w3wp.exe (0x088C)                        0x1E44 SharePoint Foundation          Runtime                        tkau Unexpected ...Form.Render(HtmlTextWriter output)     at System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.HtmlForm.RenderControl(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.Control.RenderChildrenInternal(HtmlTextWriter writer, ICollection children)     at System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.HtmlContainerControl.Render(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.Control.RenderChildrenInternal(HtmlTextWriter writer, ICollection children)     at System.Web.UI.Control.RenderChildrenInternal(HtmlTextWriter writer, ICollection children)     at Microsoft.SharePoint.WebControls.UnsecuredLayoutsPageBase.RenderChildren(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.Page.Render(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at Microsoft.SharePoint.WebControls.UnsecuredLayoutsPageBase.Render(HtmlTextWriter writer)     at System.Web.UI.Page.ProcessRequestMain(Boolean in... d3b70b62-0539-44df-90ee-d046f3c61cbe
11/09/2011 01:40:28.64* w3wp.exe (0x088C)                        0x1E44 SharePoint Foundation          Runtime                        tkau Unexpected ...cludeStagesBeforeAsyncPoint, Boolean includeStagesAfterAsyncPoint) d3b70b62-0539-44df-90ee-d046f3c61cbe